Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
