Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
