she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
