I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
