i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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