ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
