If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
