Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
