i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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