My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize