just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
