we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize