I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
