yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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