I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
