and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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