if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
