Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have aggressive nipples.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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