Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
When are your genitals available?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
