well I can't set my house on fire every night
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
