he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
