are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You are the jesus of drinking
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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