is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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