Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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