She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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