Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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