Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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