my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
