I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
