New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
