New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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