He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
