Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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