we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
