Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
then he tried to convert me to islam
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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