I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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