last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize