Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
