So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
that may or may not have been my penis.
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