it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
