I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
