Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
