Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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