Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize