Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
