So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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