he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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