you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
