Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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