I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
