so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
