at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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