I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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