my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
