Swine flu. Run for my life!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
