I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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