There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
