We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
