The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
