Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
