She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize