I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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