I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We had sex on a dog bed..
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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