i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
These tits shall not be calmed
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
