Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
