I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
