Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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