Cold hands, warm shart.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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