she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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