I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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