did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
