gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
