Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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