you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize