two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
