my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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