I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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