Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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