my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
